The Chosen One and The Inability to Catch a Break
by SuperPuddingFace
Summary: As Harry James Potter took his last breaths and shut his eyes a final time, in another world far away, a newborn princess announced her arrival with a piercing wail and yet again The Chosen One can't catch a break. At least s/he has magic. MoD Harry is reborn as a trolling brat and enjoys it. M for swearing and my terrible humour that really should be illegal. Full summary inside.
1. Prologue

**AN: First Fic on FF so I hope it's okay. Don't be afraid to leave reviews and I hope whoever reads this enjoys.**

* * *

Full Summary:

After living a long and fulfilling life as a scholar after the demise of his greatest enemy, Harry James Potter took his last breaths and said his last words surrounded by friends and family. And as he shut his eyes for the last time, welcoming Death as an old friend, in another world far away, a newborn princess announced her arrival on the 7th of July at 0700am with a piercing wail and he took it back. _Death is no friend of his_ _damn it_. Because _of course_ the Master of Death could never catch a gosh darn break.

Attempting to swear the air blue like a sailor, the newly dubbed Kiyomi-hime cursed the entity that is Death. And while all that came out of her tiny baby lungs were furious newborn wails, Death _laughed._

潔美 (Kiyomi: Pure beauty)

* * *

**_Prologue:_**

By two years old, Kiyomi-hime was considered an irrefutable genius. Having gone through all her first milestones ridiculously early, at the toddling stage of two the small girl delved headfirst into any scrolls, books, and reports she could get her tiny, grabby hands on and proceeded to absorb any and all information she could on her country, the economy, the state of the world she lived in, and history.

The little raven-haired princess learned of shinobi, the horror of the great wars, chakra, the different types of jutsu, how her country was run; anything at all to help her better understand the world around her. And once she learned everything she needed to know, she concluded that this world was in need of a great change and she was going to make it happen if it killed her _(not like she could really die anyway, because looking at her current statistics, she'd most likely come back to life whether she liked it or not),_ because she was the princess of the Land of Fire -Hi No Kuni- and these were her people now and she was going to make the livelihood of her people better, no matter the cost.

Kiyomi was gifted with the memories of her past life and the abilities that came with them, so she was going to use them to their fullest potential, because every single one of her people deserved happy lives with equal opportunity. There could be so much more for everyone if only given the chance and she would give them that chance. With better healthcare, better education, better infrastructure, better technology, better job opportunities, better protection; better _everything_.

So, the little princess embraced her inner Slytherin and began to plot on how she would change the world, and if she decided to wreck some havoc for her smothering parents and guards as she did it? Well, no one had to know_. Except maybe Death. The bastard wouldn't go away and apparently thought she was funny. _

_At least he was useful._

Two years later at four years old, Kiyomi -_once Harry-_ the princess of Hi No Kuni and (the reluctant) Master of Death, after a good seven assassination attempts on her person _-what is it with her and the number seven damn it-, _decided that she needed to better protect herself. Kiyomi figured she'd delve into the arts of her past life that she'd once come to master and use them to her benefit and everyone else's chagrin. Through the meticulous use of a great many runes and wandless charms _-magic is so fucking awesome, has she ever said that before? Because it so fucking is-_ she was sufficiently protected without ever really needing to rely on her (admittedly useless) guards _-so many assholes got through their post to try and kill her, damn it, what was she supposed to call them? Useful? -._

It was at this very age that she met the man she would claim as her best friend _forever_.

* * *

Sarutobi Asuma was a generally laid back kind of guy, but that didn't mean he didn't feel a sense of accomplishment when he achieved something, so when he was accepted as one of The Twelve Guardian Ninja out of all the other recruits, he was suitably proud. Getting to be part of the Fire Daimyo's personal guard detail in the capital _-away from his father_\- and with great pay? An honour wrapped in a sweet deal.

So, when he arrived at the palace to be acquainted with his new teammates and the monarch family only to be met with the thoughtful, emerald gaze of the tiny, four years old, princess who was the picture of a perfect doll; decked out in a flowery patterned pink and baby blue kimono, with an unnecessarily large bow around her waist, and her raven hair pulled up into two intricately braided hoops at each side of her head, he responded accordingly _-like the mature adult he is_\- and when nobody but the half-pint princess would see, he teasingly stuck his tongue out at her. He really had no idea that when her tiny, rosy cheeked face round with baby-fat broke into a sweet grin brighter than the sun, his life would be forever changed as her self-picked personal guard. And if you were to ask him many years later, he would tell you in complete honesty that even if he could, he would _never _change a single thing.


	2. Chapter 1: The Precocious Princess

**AN: I will admit that this chapter's storyline may seem a bit rushed and I'm really sorry about that, but I really want to get onto the main plotline. I got plot-juice and it needs to be written ****_yesterday_****. Hope y'all enjoy Chapter one! Omake at the end.**

* * *

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

― Rob Siltanen

* * *

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."

― Barack Obama

* * *

At the ripe age of midgethood* _-four and a half-_, Kiyomi was ready to rip her hair out, stomp her feet and scream in frustration.

She wasn't allowed to go _anywhere._

How was she supposed to _fix shit_ if she couldn't even get outside her (overly huge) yard? Kiyomi wasn't even allowed to _do_ anything either. She wasn't allowed to garden, fence, learn any form of defence, play with other midgets –_let's face it, at the moment she's tiny—_ in the market, run, get dirty, dress in remotely comfortable and NOT stuffy clothes or _Sage forbid_ step within ten feet of the kitchen _–"_**_that_**_ is a servant place hime"—_ so no cooking. Kiyomi wants treacle tarts and cake for goodness sake! Oh how she misses the wonder that is junk food!

She was expected to do craft, play some dumb instrument, make tea and just sit there looking pretty. Kiyomi understands, yes, that drawing, writing, embroidery and music are all well and good and a quality cup of tea is always nice, but the real issue is that that is _all_ she is allowed to do. Her leg muscles are going to waste away by the time she's ten because all she gets to do is sit on her knees and never use them.

Kiyomi wants to see the world and make it better. How can she do _that_ if she can't get to know her people and how they live _personally_? She wants to make it better, yes, but she wants to be there, right in the middle, watching it grow around her when it happens. She wants to see her people's faces as their prospects get better and their country becomes a better place to live. She wants to make _friends _damn it! And not with her obnoxious tutors that she doesn't even really need or her army of maids or even her detached nanny that raised her instead of her parents who had better things to do.

Kiyomi doesn't want to be like some fairy tale princess trapped in her castle. Kiyomi wants the adventure that her past-self had in droves. There is a whole new world to see and Kiyomi wants to _see it_. She doesn't want to be confined her entire life. She wants to explore, learn, create and conquer the world around her, because she will not be just some pretty face. She will be remembered as someone who made something more of the world.

So if Kiyomi used magic to make things more bearable while stuck in the stupid stuffy castle that is her new home and a few obnoxious tutors and cousins just happened to get hairdos in all the colours of the rainbow, well, can you blame her? She's just an innocent little princess. What could she _possibly_ do?

At that very moment though? Kiyomi was being smothered yet again by her mother Shijimi, after being dressed up like a doll because she's _"Just sooo CUTE!"_

"Oh Kiyomi! You're SO precious! Absolutely adorable! You definitely got your looks from Haha-ue! Cousin Yoriko would be so jealous if she met you because her little girl looked like a kappa! A real ugly one that girl! _Blah blah blah blah…_"

Kiyomi couldn't help but drown her out after the first few sentences every time her mother opened her mouth. It was for her sanity! She swears it! That woman could go on and on for hours at a time about the most insignificant things. She was like a larger, less kind, less accepting, more difficult and a thousand times more smothering Mrs Weasley. _Okay, so she is nothing like Mrs Weasley, but that's kind of the point._

"…and your Otou-sama said you could pick which one will be your personal guard! How Exciting! Blah blah…"

Looks as though she missed something that was actually important…

_Oh well!_

* * *

Dressed up in yet another obnoxious silk kimono with way too many layers and her hair up in some fancy-shmancy braided hoops –_she swears up and down that Malfoy is laughing at her from somewhere_—, Kiyomi was ready to go to bed for the day, even at ten in the morning. Having an army of maids hold you down to force you into less than desirable clothing, with your mother squealing like some rabid fangirl in the background and at the same time trying to ignore Death's commentating like your life is some stupid TV show is quite frankly _exhausting._

Sitting seiza on a small stage with her parents in a lavishly decorated meeting hall with far too many gold vases – _but seriously why are there so many?_ — Kiyomi watched as twelve men lined up in front of her father and knelt as the old man went on and on about something or other _–did she mention she's not listening? Because she's not— _Honour this, Protection that.

Kiyomi was just getting into a really good daydream about getting revenge on her uptight tutors Marauder style, before giving them the slip and booking it while dressed in track-pants, when she was rudely disturbed from it by her honourable father.

"Kiyomi-hime," he said, "Today I will be allowing you to choose you own personal guard from my new team The Twelve Guardian Ninja, so choose wisely musume."

_Translation: I know that if I don't let you at least pick your guard yourself, the one I choose for you will wind up with hot pink hair, buck-teeth and a donkey tail, so please choose a good one because I actually do want you to stay alive child of mine._

Kiyomi sent her father a small, but genuinely grateful smile, before turning to look at the gathered guards with thoughtful emerald eyes. As she dragged her gaze slowly along the line, a certain man (who looked to be on the younger side of the group) with olive skin, and dark hair and eyes to match, stuck his tongue out at her while nobody else was watching.

Kiyomi was quite frankly gobsmacked but didn't let it get to her for more than a second, before her shock turned to a giddy kind of joy that comes when you come up with a truly wicked idea and her face split into a bright, rosy-cheeked grin.

Kiyomi got to her feet as gracefully as she could _–those vultures that teach her court etiquette could somehow pop up like a niffler that smelt gold whenever she stumbled_— and made her way off the stage to stand before the kneeling man, still smiling.

"What's your Name?" she asked.

The man looked a bit surprised to see the tiny princess grinning up at him like a loon –_he'd get used to it eventually_— and asking his name.

"Asuma," he finally said, "Sarutobi Asuma, Hime-sama."

_Kiyomi's grin got wider and Death cackled in the background._

"Well Asuma-san, I've decided that you are going to be my personal guard and new best friend," she explained as though it were obvious. The tiny princess then proceeded to take a firm hold –_as firm as a four years old girl can get_— of his sleeve and began dragging him up and out of the hall.

"We're going to go play Otou-sama, so you can continue your little meeting without us. Have fun!" she called back as she left with a bemused Asuma in tow –_not that he let that show on his face, she could just tell_— making sure to shut the door behind her to have the last word.

Once they were a little further away from the room they'd just vacated, Kiyomi looked up at Asuma with a cheeky smile. "We are going to have lots of fun together Asuma-san! Just you wait! I have so many plans!"

_And that was the beginning of it all really. The Next Great Adventure._

* * *

A good many weeks later and Kiyomi had yet to regret her choice.

_Asuma was perfect and nobody could convince her otherwise. _

He went along with her whims, listened to her ideas, read her plans and blueprints, asked her questions and he was far more useful than her old guards. He figured her magic was a new kekkei genkai (she decided to call it Mahou like the Japanese Wizards of her past life) and her runes were her own form of fuinjutsu. He agreed with her that she really should know at least some self-defence and that being locked up forever would suck.

He really came to be a good friend, even if he took to calling her Chibi-hime once he was more comfortable with her brand of crazy, because_ if you can't beat them, join them_.

"Asuma! Asuma! I just had an awesome idea!" Kiyomi cheered as she glomped his upper thighs –_because he's too tall damn it_— with a huge smile that he knew to associate with either mischief or that in the next three minutes, tutors with brightly coloured hair, antlers and glitter covering their clothes would come chase them down the halls to discipline the rouge princess and her laid back guard that is _"supposed to be watching the hellion". _

Asuma chuckled as he pat the head of the little princess who broke all of his expectations about his new occupation. He was expecting a lot of standing still and court days. What he got was a precocious princess with a lot of truly brilliant ideas about how to make anything and everything a _"hundred times awesomer" –her words—_ for the citizens of the Land of Fire.

"What is it going to be this time Chibi-hime? Are you going to turn your Haha-ue's favourite new tea set into animals or are you going to make one of the professor's scrolls come to life and run away from him?"

Kiyomi released his thighs and took a step back to look up at him, showcasing her brilliant emerald eyes –_from her grandmother—_ and a smile that would have anyone who didn't know her melt like goo and all her tutors running for cover.

"Neither! But those are some really good ideas! Thanks, Asuma!" she babbled, before continuing on, "I just thought that we should go travel together! That way I can see everything I need to see and learn everything I need to know, and we can go on an adventure! We could sightsee, and you can train while I make things out of my Mahou and seals! It would be _way_ safer than going with a larger group of people and a bunch of carriages like Haha-ue does too, because we could just look like normal people in what Haha-ue and Grumpy-sensei like to call peasant clothes! Why would anyone bother attacking people with nothing to steal? I could convince Otou-sama! You know I could!"

Asuma, already accustomed to the four-and-a-half-year-old's habits of speed-talking –_CoughGaiCough—,_ processed what she'd said at the same rate she spoke and was sceptical. He knew better than to tell her it was impossible (with her it never was), and that her father would bend over backwards for his little genius, but Asuma knew for a fact that her mother would never let her precious dolly musume go _–ever—_ without a fightand would make this entire situation a thousand times more difficult than it needed to be for the raven-haired half-pint he watches over.

"I'm sure you could Chibi-hime and it _does_ sound like fun," he paused before continuing, "but are you sure your Haha-ue would let you go? And how would we carry all the supplies? Because sealing scrolls can only do so much and the type, we'd need are way too big. I need to be able to protect you Hime and for that I'd need full movement. That _is_ my job after all."

Kiyomi's face scrunched in disgust at the mention of her mother's opinion –_she knew it was mean, but that woman was insane. Completely. Insane—_ and Death laughed before sharing his (unwanted) opinion. "**You know that I can tell you anything and everything you'd ever need to know about the world, if you'd just ask ****_Mistress_**."

'_Well__'Mistress' didn't ask for your opinion, so you can go stuff a pixie up your literal bony ass.' _Kiyomi thought in return.

"Haha-ue is away for her annual visit to Konoha at the moment with sweet Tora and will be away for three more weeks, so it doesn't matter. _Though I do feel sorry for the current Genin teams_. Once I get Otou-sama's approval we'll be fine to go and I've got the perfect solution for carrying luggage," the little princess responded to the Sarutobi aloud.

_It certainly explained why the castle was so quiet. There was always some kind of racket with Madam Shijimi around._

Kiyomi then set about pulling a shiny red backpack with gold lining the size of her torso out of _absolutely nowhere_ and presented it to the baffled Sarutobi –_because sealing scrolls do not work like that, how? _— as though it held all the answers to the universe, with expectant eyes as though he'd miraculously understand.

"_A tiny backpack_?" Asuma asked, somewhat incredulous.

"Indeed, young padawan—" "—young _what now_? –" "—this _tiny backpack_ as you so astutely described it Asuma, is the solution to any and all luggage problems _ever_, because it can carry anything you could possibly need," the small girl explained seriously.

Kiyomi looked up at him expectantly and Asuma took a deep breath sighing before taking his cue. "So, what exactly does it do and how does it work your royal haughtiness?"

Kiyomi threw him a Cheshire worthy grin. This is why Asuma is her minio— err... best friend. He knows exactly what she wants him to say and do.

The precocious princess then undid the bag, opened it wide and dove right in.

Asuma really couldn't help it. His eyes widened like saucers and his jaw dropped open like a drawbridge with a broken chain. "Hime!?" he yelped startled. After five seconds of absolute silence –_it's never silent with Chibi around_— he began to panic.

_What was the protocol for losing your tiny charge in a tiny red backpack when there was no way possible, they could physically fit in aforementioned tiny backpack?_

He quickly crouched in front of the tiny backpack –_death-trap_— and pulled the sides apart and peered inside only to come face to face with his tiny charge looking up at him from the base of a ladder –_how the hell?_ — sporting a feral grin and cackling like the little witch she is.

Asuma spent two seconds being relieved, then ten seconds completely fascinated –_because how!?— _and then settled for being completely unimpressed with the Sage damned little midget he had come to care for under his watch.

"Really?" he asked deadpan, "Really?"

"Yes," the little brat had the gall to answer with a serious nod. "_Now_ do you get how we'll carry all our stuff?"

"…yeah…" Asuma muttered shaking his head exasperated, "Yeah I think I do."

* * *

"**The next few days are made up of boring negotiations, puppy eyes and pathetically weak-willed Daimyos that can't say no to evil children, so this preview and time-skip is brought to you by Death.**

"**My Mistress (still funny) and her new guard dog leave within a week for a two-month long trip with the excuse of going to the festival in Tanzaku-gai. They will indeed be going to the festival, but what our heroes are really going to be doing is visiting all different types of towns and communities around the Land of Fire for Little Lady Brat to explore and learn about how absolutely everything works. The habits of a travelling scholar stick around no matter the lifetime. **

"**My miniature Mistress will also be receiving a summoning contract from me so that she can call upon any creatures under my domain. The fates can suck a fat one and The Chosen One can't escape Main Protagonist**** brand luck and the insanity that comes with it, no matter the dimension.**

"**_See you later muchachos."_**

* * *

**_Omake:_**

She had to get away. The horrid beasts were coming and there was nowhere to hide.

Armed only with a rubber teething ring covered in her own drool –_her gums hurt like a bitch_— and the fresh nappy on her butt, the six months old princess was on a self-assigned escape mission from her evil harpy-like captors and her only advantage was their general ditziness and stupidity.

There was no way in hell they were going to force her into that frilly, pink, bow covered, bejewelled abomination that looked like a lace obsessed granny's wardrobe threw up and that vomit made love with a barbie doll and they had a baby. The baby being whatever that _THING_ that those horrid harpies want to force her into, _because Kiyomi refuses to believe that that hideous mass of fabric could ever actually be clothes_,_ for the sake of her conscience and sane women everywhere._

Hermione and Ginny would be personally _offended_ by that ghastly thing. It was worse than Ron's dress robes for the Yule Ball! Kiyomi didn't think that was possible. _NOBODY_ thought that was possible. EVEN DEATH! Not until those evil wenches pulled the _THING_ out of a box like it was some kind of deformed prize and said they would actually put it on her.

Kiyomi heard footsteps behind her and she desperately crawled FASTER as her heart pounded in a fast tempo to match her distress.

ABORT!

_ABORT!_

**_ABORT!_**

**_ABORT!_**

**_WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO!_**

"Kiyomi-hime my little precious! There you are! Kaa-chan's been looking for you! Now Kaa-chan, Oba-chan and Kaa-chan's friends can dress you up nice and pretty! Isn't that nice!?" the horrid old bird practically sang as she scooped up the terrified tot and Kiyomi responded in a way that was perfectly reasonable given the situation. She began screaming hysterically as tears poured from her eyes blubbering for someone, _anyone_ to save her from her horrid fate and soiled her once fresh nappy, because baby bowels do _NOT_ respond well with pure, unadulterated terror.

Even Death couldn't bring himself? herself? _itself_ to watch.

In the end, she _was_ in fact forced into the abomination and the group of harpies had pictures taken of her dressed in it.

As soon as the young Master of Death was able, she burned every single copy and relished in her mother's tears when she burst into her bedchamber to inform her of the _tragic_ loss of her _adorable_ baby photos.

_Serves her right._

* * *

**AN: That's All Folks!**

*** midgethood literally just midget hood like adulthood but small children**


	3. Chapter 2: Death What the Fresh Fuck?

**03 Chapter 2: Death… What the Fresh Fuck!?**

* * *

_Dear Life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge._

_-Anonymous_

* * *

_Listen, Smile, Agree… then do whatever you were gonna go anyway._

_-Anonymous_

* * *

_My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already._

_-Dave Barry_

* * *

They'd been on the road for all of two days and Kiyomi couldn't remember ever wearing more comfortable clothing in her entire (new) life. Dressed in a scarlet cotton shirt with the character for fire stitched in gold thread over her heart, a pair of tiny black toddler pants –_not tights. They have __**no **__pockets. What were you even thinking to suggest such a thing Asuma?_ – and a pair of miniscule leather shoes on her equally miniscule feet, she was a (literal) happy camper.

The small princess was also endlessly grateful for shinobi speed, because little legs don't get you very far on their own and tire easily. Especially since she was made sit down for the majority of her rather short life thus far (something to be rectified) and they could make up time with Asuma carrying her around in her magically expanded backpack. Kiyomi loved the thrill of the high speeds that reminded her so much of riding a broom in her old life –_she would learn even if it killed her_—.

Kiyomi spent a good amount of her time on the road taking in all the flora and rattling off all of their qualities, what they could be used for, whether they were edible and whether or not they could be used as either medicine or poison. She also privately wondered of their uses in potions. A lot of the plants in this world were the same as her past world, but a lot were different too and her inner researcher that used to spend weeks at a time experimenting with Hermione was itching to get some new specimens into a potion's lab. She'd charmed a seemingly endless supply of jars to safely hold any type of possible ingredient imaginable and there was no way she would miss the chance to try recreating potions from her past-life with what she has now and experimenting because _'fucking lord those roots as a paste would work wonders as a stabilising compound' _and _'the acidity of these flower's petals are 3% higher than in armadillo bile'_. The world is so gosh darn interesting to her.

_She also spent a good few hours a day pointing out pretty clouds._

Asuma, for the most part, just listened to his midget's babbled fun-facts and requests –_we couldn't possibly NOT take at least a sample of these specimens Asuma! That would be blasphemy!_ —, every once and a while interjecting anything she might have missed, all the while playing the part of a pack horse whenever she got tired –_let's see __**you **__walk long distances on tiny legs after having spent most your life sitting on your knees!_ – with the top part of her body sticking out the flap of the (still fascinating) red and gold backpack, peering over his shoulders to see where they were going as the shinobi took to the trees.

_Has Kiyomi ever mentioned how perfect Asuma is? Because he is._

Currently our main protagonists were setting up camp for the night in a small clearing a short way _–two miles Asuma you paranoid weirdo!_ — from the road they were traversing, with an unnecessary number of traps and an unholy amount of Kiyomi's special made seals.

'_What exactly do they do?' the Sarutobi once asked._

'_Hopefully you'll never find out.' The mini Mistress of Death had replied._

_He didn't ask again for the sake of his waning sanity._

"**Mistress,"** came the voice of Death calling for the tiny witch's attention.

Kiyomi heaved a sigh, flopping like a beached whale beside her newly mounted tent before bothering to reply. '_Yes?' _she acknowledged through their mental link (she didn't want to sound like a loon speaking aloud).

"**There is something I have been meaning to discuss with you as of late,"** the age-old living skeleton informed lightly and somewhat amused, as though it knew something she didn't (_it did_).

Kiyomi sighed yet again_. 'This is going to be one of those things you should have told me about ages ago but didn't for shits and giggles isn't it?'_ she asked unsure if she should be annoyed or amused that a being as old as fucking dirt entertained itself by making fun of her to her face. '_Don't you ever have anything better to do than making fun of my life?' Like work maybe? I know for a fact that there are of lot of dead people for you to lord over.'_

"**Pretty much,"** it responded shameless, **"and no I do not have anything better to do. That's what interns are for. They do grunt work and while they do that, I get the big fancy title and a metric shit tonne of free time."**

'_Have I ever told you that you are a terrible, terrible being and evil genius?_' the girl asked, _'Because that's totally what I would do. Why do work when you can just not?'_

"**Back to the point Mistress,"** Mr Big Fancy Title said, completely unsurprised, **"I have been meaning to tell you about your duties as my Mistress and all else that comes with the title."**

Kiyomi gaped at the being horrified. _'WAIT! HANG ON JUST A SECOND! YOU MEAN THAT AS YOUR MISTRESS I GET STUPID DUTIES WHILE YOU GET TO MAKE FUN OF ME AND FREE TIME!? HOW THE SHIT DOES THAT WORK!?'_

"**Well maybe if you were quiet and listened you would know," **Death sassed –_since when did Death do THAT!?_— her, **"Traditionally you would have to do a large amount of paper-work in your position, however I once again remind you: **_**Interns**_**. So, you don't have to worry about any of that. All you need to be concerned about is the other stuff. Like your increased magical abilities, the absolute power you hold over mortal beings and necromancy, you know, **_**normal stuff**_**."**

'_HOW THE HELL IS ANY OF THAT NORMAL!?_' the slightly hysterical child yelled through the link, _'And what the hell do you mean by increased magical abilities? I haven't noticed any differences, though it is a lot easier getting things done wandless.'_

This time it was Death's turn to sigh. **"_Of course that's what got your attention_. For one so darn smart, you're incredibly stupid** **Mistress."** _'Hey!'_** "Though it explains why you never stood a chance as a Ravenclaw—"** _'HEY!'_ **"—you **_**do**_** realise that **_**NO**_** child your age should ever be able to pull off the spells that you can, let alone wandless. It isn't physically possible because of their immature cores. Magical cores aren't developed enough to start actual practice until age eleven when it finally stabilises and starts properly maturing, **_**but you already knew that Mistress**_**. Your new body should be no different, as your magic is still in its earliest stages, but upon becoming my master your magic **_**changed**_**. **

**"Your magic isn't as held back by limitations as its counterpart. You don't adhere to the same rules as the witches and wizards of your past. You don't need the channelling of a focus or a spell. All you need Mistress, is the will to make it happen and you could raze the earth and twist the skies; you could make nature move to your whim and force any to follow your lead… and _all you would need to do all of that is a thought_. **

**"But you won't. And it is for that reason that I chose you as my Mistress. The best people to give power to are the ones who don't want it, after all and _you and I both know_ that you have always been a defender, not a fighter Mistress. You **_**and**_** that stupid hero complex of yours, Miss Saving-People-Thing."**

Kiyomi was rendered speechless for a good few minutes (impressive, I know). That was _not_ what she had in mind when Death said, "_Increased magical abilities" _and to be fair, Death isn't wrong. The first thing that came to mind when it mentioned less limitations on her magic was the possibility of conjuring treacle tarts.

_She really wasn't a fighter or a conqueror_.

Kiyomi just has shitty luck and _yeah_, maybe she _did_ have a saving people thing, but _was that so wrong?_ All she wanted was to protect and make sure everyone could be living the good life, because doesn't everyone deserve at least that much? Everyone deserves at the very least, a shot at happiness and who was she to deny that? If she could give that to others, then why wouldn't she? It's just common decency. Nothing complicated.

So, when she finally found her voice back, she didn't even really need to register what she first said.

_'I don't want that kind of power,'_ she said firmly over their link, _'All I want is to make people happy. I don't want or need anything else… and the thought alone of that type of destructive force in one body if frankly, terrifying. Let alone the fact it's in me. I can't help but imagine someone like Snake-face getting their filthy fingers on that and it makes me feel sick.'_

"**You really were the perfect choice Mistress," **Death said pleased. **"I'll explain everything to you in your dreams, so for now, rest and enjoy yourself."**

_And that's exactly what the young princess did_.

She had a ball playing a bunch of different boardgames with Asuma and listening enraptured to his adventures from his days as a Konoha shinobi, she expertly cooked dinner over their toasty campfire _–you cooked yesterday, and it absolutely sucked—_ with the assistance of magic and when all was done and she was tucked up in bed, Death visited her in her dreams and taught her.

Death told her of control and will; Death told her of necromancy and its forms; Death told her of her new metamorphic abilities and how it worked; Death told her of her new Animagus form –_your soul's manifestation is no longer a Stag_— and all it's intricacies; Death told her of summons that were created for her use alone; Death told her of Chakra and how to use it… and all the while she whirled through a storm of different emotions, from elation to a deep reaching sorrow; from absolute rage, to fear, to excitement and when she woke the next morning her eyes were just that much older and no matter how much she resented Death in those moments, _she was grateful all the same._

* * *

"Whoooooooaaaaah!" Kiyomi exclaimed as she looked around the bustling streets of Tanzaku-Gai. "It's huuuuuuuuuuuuge!" she cheered looking to be barely restraining from running off to look at absolutely _everything. _And she was. She wanted to see everything this colourful festival had to offer. There were lanterns, streamers and banners strung up everywhere and every street was lined to the brim with stalls of every kind.

Kiyomi wanted to see all the sights, play all the games and try every food. They made it to the town ahead of schedule, so the pair of travellers –_**adventurers**__ Asuma_— had plenty of time to look around the town.

As soon as Asuma checked them into a room at an inn for a few days and they trapped and sealed it to the high hells, Kiyomi made Asuma help her change into a simple green yukata with a silver obi (she was going by a theme with the clothing here), before she charmed her hair up into a braided bun, threw on a pair of sandals and demanded they go play.

Asuma smiled fondly down at his tiny charge as she vibrated in excitement, her eyes alight with a child-like wonder that he didn't get to see very often from the small genius as she looked every which way. In his mind the entire trip would have been worth it for just this moment alone. Asuma was incredibly fond of the Chibi-hime entrusted in his care and it made him feel light to see her in such high spirits over something as simple as a festival.

_He would make sure to take her every year if she loved it so much._

Kiyomi felt a sudden need to express _just_ how perfect Asuma was as a best friend, minion and big brother figure for no explainable reason and gave him a huge hug before dragging him to the first stall.

This was her first ever festival with her best friend in the whole world and she was going to make sure they both enjoyed it to the fullest.

Her as a normal little girl for once with no pressure on her shoulders as the princess of a country and Asuma as any other off duty average joe. Death even agreed to leave the day without commentary.

_It was going to be brilliant._

* * *

_It was brilliant. _

They played every game and won a ton of different prizes. They bought a bunch of souvenirs, from masks, to cheap beaded bracelets that would make Madam Shijimi cry, to dried foods of every kind.

They learned new things about each other and themselves, like how Kiyomi absolutely adored cheap festival junk-food, was scarily good at goldfish scooping (she gave them to another kid) and would win _every time_ in any luck-based games –_I have to make up for my crappy luck somewhere Asuma_— and how Asuma could guzzle his weight in yakitori, but wouldn't touch mitarashi dango with a ten foot pole unless it was to throw it as far away from himself as possible _"bad experiences,"_ he had explained. Kiyomi just nodded like she understood.

_She didn't._

Asuma was also absolutely _abysmal _at raffles but would win her whatever she wanted in games like ball toss.

After all of that, they watched the different performances and the long firework show.

At the end of the night Asuma carried an asleep princess back to the inn as various women on the way cooed about how cute they were.

_Because no matter the circumstances, Mistress of Death or otherwise, four-year-old's need their sleep._

* * *

**Extra:**

"…hey Asuma…" A half asleep Kiyomi murmured into his chest as he carried her back towards their inn.

"Yes Chibi-hime?" he asked quietly.

"…I love you Nii-chan…" the little girl voiced quietly with a soft smile before letting herself be consumed by the sweet embrace of Hypnos.

The Sarutobi couldn't keep the stupidly fond grin off his face the rest of the way back to their room.

"Yeah," he agreed under his breath as he tucked in the peaceful child.

_He went to bed that night with a smile._

_**The fates cackled.**_

* * *

**AN: New chapter done!**

**My uncle had to fix my laptop and I had to rewrite the first half of the chapter so it's not as long as I'd prefer, but it's something to keep it going. I have so many ideas for this fic that I want to get down so I'll be updating often and hopefully the chapters will get longer as I work out all the smaller details in my plot. **

**The fic is about to go into a worldbuilding extravaganza. It will be great (for me at least). Hope y'all stick along for the ride and hold onto your hats because it'll be a long journey filled with bumps and me fucking up and writing and rewriting and **_**rerewriting,**_** not that anyone but **_**me**_** has to know any of that.**

**I hope y'all enjoyed the chapter! Have a good day? Night? **_**Whatever!**_** Just have a good one!**


	4. Chapter 3: Full Speed Ahead!

**Chapter 3: Full Speed Ahead**

* * *

"_**Life**__ is either a daring __**adventure**__ or nothing."_

– _Helen Keller_

* * *

"_The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."_

― _Dr. Seuss_

* * *

"_Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will."_

— _Vernon Howard_

* * *

"Chibi-hime…"

"Yes Asuma?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" the doubtful bodyguard asked his young charge.

"Of course, it is Asuma. Since when is building a new form of transportation ever a bad idea?" aforementioned young charged asked back, blinking up at him with her big green eyes through a pair of ridiculous circular goggles, as though he were a totally oblivious gremlin for possibly believing otherwise.

Asuma watched as Kiyomi tinkered with a mass of metal parts and wires she had custom ordered from the Land of Iron long before they began their journey around the continent. He honestly had no idea how all those parts would fit together to make anything that would_ actually _move. He looked on as different pieces of metal floated around the little princess for inspection and as she waved the pieces on and they began to fit themselves together.

The relatively young Sarutobi pinched the top of his nose and sighed. He was going to go take a nap in that sunny patch of soft grass on the other side of the clearing until the little princess finished whatever it was, she was building out of… whatever that stuff is.

He knew he shouldn't really be too surprised by his tiny charge and annoying little sister figure at this stage, seeing as their trip around the continent was dictated by her four-year-old whims when she'd never before left her castle, but he still couldn't help but pause at some of her ideas. They still had a good fifty-four days left to travel around and Kiyomi had said she didn't want to waste a single second and decided to build something to get them around faster.

So, the little princess had pulled out a scroll from the very vast depths of their red and gold travel pack and _woah and behold_ a bunch of metal pieces.

The laid-back guard sighed as he lumbered his way over to the warm patch of grass lost in thought. It didn't take very long for him to doze off with complete faith in the traps and seals ability to protect the princess and if not that, wake him up.

_It wasn't like anyone could touch her without her say so anyway._

* * *

As soon as Asuma was asleep Kiyomi perked up from where she was hunched over her in progress creation covered in oil and grease. With a wave of her hand the final pieces came together, and she was left with the frame and engine of a motorbike inspired by the one that had once belonged to her godfather in her last life. A flying motorcycle that could travel at the same speeds as her old _Firebolt 200_ would be much more convenient for getting around quickly. It would only really take them a day to get from one end of the country to another.

"**Is there anyway I can assist you Mistress?" **came Death's oddly eager question, **"It's boring just watching."**

Kiyomi pondered over Death's odd request for a good few moments before an idea came to her and she stiffened, berating herself for not thinking of it sooner.

"_Death,"_ she began, almost hesitant to find herself correct, _"you can travel to different worlds, yes?"_

"**Yes,"** the prick as old as dirt replied evenly.

"_And you can get things from those worlds… yes?"_ she continued.

"**...yes,"** Death replied, it seeming to dawn on him where this was going as its form shrunk slightly.

"_So, you could,_ I don't know, _bring me stuff from my old world, yes?"_

"…**yes…"** the entity seemed to shrink under his Mistress's sharp green eyes boring into his form.

**. . .**

"_**We're so dumb!"**_ the reincarnated princess and her old-as-dirt follower exclaimed in a bout of hysterics.

"_Why didn't I think of this sooner!? I'm better than that!"_

"**I've lived for billions upon billions of eons and I didn't even think of that! You'd think with this many years of experience I would know better! Such a stupid rooky mistake! A GENIE would have done better! **_**A GENIE!"**_

"_I can't believe you didn't think of it Death! You're like, as old as fucking dirt!"_

"**Excuse me!?"** the entity spluttered.

"_Did I fucking stutter!"_

"**Yeah well **_**YOU**_** didn't think of it earlier either Mistress!"**

"_I'm a FOUR-YEAR-OLD! I'm excusable!" _

"**A reincarnated four-year-old you nasty, midget, gremlin!"**

"_What did you just call me you petty, bastard, loli-con, creeper!?"_

"**What the hell do you mean by loli-con you little brat!?"**

"_So, you don't deny the rest of it!? And of course, you're a loli-con! You're an old creeper who follows around people less than a tenth your age and watches them 24/7! What else are you supposed to be!?"_

Death spluttered at the _unfounded_ slander against its person.

"**I am a dignified entity and I do not perv on little midgets like you **_**thank you very much!"**_

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A MIDGET YOU ABOMINALE DICK-HEAD! GO TAKE YOUR STUPID ELDER-WAND AND _SUCK IT!"_

Death suddenly froze, his entire form radiating a thick sense of despair.

"**Tha…as…der…"**

Kiyomi deadpanned at the suddenly sad being. "What?"

Death shrunk down to the size of a pixie. **"That was an order…"** he mumbled quietly, **"and you're my Mistress so I have to follow it."**

Kiyomi stared at Death, her face entirely blank as the entity began to project nervousness, before her entire cherubic face was overtaken with sickeningly sweet –_evil—_ unholy glee.

"_So,"_ she began with a manic gleam in her now glowing green eyes_, "all I needed to do all that time was order you instead of ask nicely and you would have bent over backwards for me huh?" _

Death couldn't gulp in its current form of bones. But if it could, it would have.

"We're going to have so much fun together!" The little princess… no,_ demon_ cheered, her little face beaming like the sun, attempting to lure Death into a false sense of security even though the ruse was already up.

_Death did not like where this was going._

* * *

When Asuma next woke up, he had no idea of the war that waged on the opposite side of the clearing that was absolutely silent to his mortal ears.

But he did know that he was only asleep for less than an hour due to the suns position and in that time his ridiculous little sister figure had seemingly finished her… _two-wheeled green and black whatever that thing is_ and was lounging on a deck chair in sunglasses and drinking an amber drink with a striped straw and tiny umbrella.

He's fairly sure it says something about him that his first thought was _'where in the world do you get tiny umbrellas?' _rather than anything really productive.

He's probably just desensitized to all the shit she throws at him at this stage if he were being honest.

_Let it never be said that Sarutobi Asuma couldn't adapt. _

So Asuma began inspecting whatever it was that Kiyomi had pieced together and asking her all about it.

"So _how exactly_ is this supposed to get us anywhere faster than I could?" he asked as he looked at the little nobs, dials and numbers on display where it looked like you held on. "And what are all these things for?" he continued gesturing to all the different coloured buttons and switches.

Kiyomi looked up at him through her over-sized sunnies and took a long slurp of her butterbeer, finishing it off before sending her favorite person a sly smirk.

"It's called a motorbike and I think it'll be more fun if I just show you. You'll need to put this on first though," Kiyomi said passing him a pair of red-rimmed tinted goggles. "Not because you'll actually really need them, but because then we'll match," she explained taking off her sunglasses and replacing them with her own pink pair –_pink is a good colour when used tastefully_— that she pulled down over her bright green eyes.

"I've already packed up camp—" **"you mean I did"** "—so we can move on to Midori farming town right away," the little princess continued as though she couldn't even hear Death grumping in the background.

Asuma was ever so slightly skeptical as he pulled his own pair of goggles over his eyes (they fit perfectly) and followed Kiyomi's instructions of putting the deck chair away in a latched box attached behind the seat on the bike (it was expanded like their travel bag that was already inside the box _what?)._

As the young man got comfortable behind his small charge on the grey leather seat of the bike holding onto a couple of conveniently placed handles, he had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into and if he were able to see the shit-eating grin on Kiyomi's face he would have ran for the hills, but alas, the bike began to ascend from the ground to above the treetops and as the shinobi looked around in fascination he missed her quiet chuckles at his soon to be expense.

And so Kiyomi revved the charmed silent bike to top speed and the duo took off across the skies at 200 miles per hour.

And if the little princess laughed at the Sarutobi's _not so silent _squeal of terror when he almost fell off before sticking himself in place with chakra, _he would NEVER tell._

* * *

_**Omake:**_

'_And I want my shoes so well polished you can see your skeletal face in them, ya hear me Skeletor? And you have to do it all __**by hand**__. I also want you to tell me everything you know about fuinjutsu and write out all you know about chakra theory and how it can be applied in healing and what effect it has on the human body for me. While you're at it, get me an oversized pair of sunglasses and a glass of butterbeer with a stripy straw and a tiny umbrella with purple polka dots. You get all that?_'

"**Yes mistress."**

'_Good. Continue'_

"**Yes Mistress"**

'_That's __**Your Majesty**__ to you, you old as dirt peasant.'_

"**Yes, Your Majesty."**

'_Much better. Now that wasn't so hard was it Death?'_

"_**Sigh**_**. No, Your Majesty."**

* * *

**AN:**

**Sorry for the short chapter, but my sister came to visit for the first time in years, so I don't have enough time to make the chapter longer at the moment, but I hope this is enough to tide that over for a few weeks. I promise my next update will be much longer.**

**Quick question, but should this fic have any pairings and if so who? I'll need to know to write it into the plot and at the moment I have no such plans for romancing. **

**Who do you think would go well with Kiyomi? And quick heads but Kiyomi is **_**alls the bismexual**_**. I am all for the bi-Harry headcanon. So, both genders are good.**

**Have a good day/night and don't hesitate to leave feedback! Anything to better my writing!**


	5. Chapter 4: Excuse me What?

**AN: Sorry for being gone so long! My cat passed away painlessly and surrounded by everyone that loved her. Though it broke my heart, I know she isn't in pain anymore and she has a nice sunny place for her to rest in. **

**After that things went a bit downhill for a while, but my family has a new home now and things are looking up! I finally have the time to get back to writing.**

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up

-Vince Lombardi

Kiyomi was living the good life at age 6.

She had travelled all over the continent and had gotten enough blackmail on everyone in the high courts to last several lifetimes. Many bills had been passed and many plans had come to fruition. Hospitals and schools were built. Trade increased and so did job opportunities. Technological advancements began to boom.

So, life at age six was brilliant.

Life at age seven however…

_Was absolute shit._

Apparently, half of her Otou-sama's Twelve guardian ninja decided to be assholes that wanted to take over the world and so there was a huge fight and they disbanded.

Yeah whatever that was all fine and dandy, they were assholes and needed to be stopped.

The bad news?

Asuma was going back to Konoha because A) The Twelve Guardian Ninja disbanded, and B) he didn't have a job as an excuse to not go back to Konoha and be regular on-duty jonin.

_Life at seven sucked Death's dusty balls._

Kiyomi was close to tears because this was completely not fair.

She understood that Asuma didn't have a job in the capital anymore, _she did_, but that didn't mean she understood why he had to _leave._ Surely, they could hire him for _something_. They were filthy rich for goodness sake! She has seen the family treasury and knew for a fact that they would never_ EVER_ need that many solid gold vases or tiaras.

But of course, none of that mattered. No sirree. Some nutjob apparently went ape shit a year ago and fucked off their whole clan. So, now Konohagakure needs all the on-duty shinobi they can get and that includes Asuma because he doesn't have a big official position in the capital to make the big bucks anymore.

To be fair, Asuma probably has more money than he could ever spend in a lifetime because he got payed so damn much more than everyone else in the Twelve Ninja whatevs'. Apparently because he was the one stuck _"babysitting"_ her that meant he got a huge bonus and not a single other one in the group complained about said fact because they were too busy thanking the lords it wasn't them… _Assholes_.

_It just wasn't fair._

Asuma didn't even want to go back there. He had more fun with her than he did his whole life in Konoha _(apparently living by the whims of a child who was too clever for their own good was actually a lot more fun in comparison to living the life of a glorified mercenary. Who knew?)._

Asuma wasn't particularly happy about the situation either. He'd built a great life for himself in the capitol with new friends and family and now he was going to be stuck back in Konoha with a bunch of stilted conversation over lost time and what ifs.

Not to mention that the old croons on the counsel will have him in T&I within moments to try and pry every new thought and feeling from his brain to study and exploit because he was so close to the princess. They must've heard about at least some of what Kiyomi could do by now. Kiyomi could build miracles from nothing and found diamonds in dust _(and those were the exact sort of abilities those old prunes would want to milk until there was nothing left to give)._

Daughter of the Daimyo or not, Kiyomi wouldn't live a very peaceful life if Danzo got his beady eye on her. Asuma still didn't understand why his father didn't dig up the rotten bastard and get rid of him before he was in so deep it was impossible to remove the disgusting leech without everything coming down with him. His father always had been too good at turning a blind eye to old attachments.

_Asuma didn't even want to think of all the 'what ifs' concerning Danzo and Orochimaru. _

_Asuma especially didn't want to think of all the 'what ifs' concerning those bastards ever finding out the true extent of what his little princess could do._

**_The thought alone sent shivers of dread down his spine. _**

He wasn't sure he could ever forgive his father if anything happened to Kiyomi just because the old man let those monsters lose on the world.

But that didn't really matter right now. Not really.

He was more worried about whether the world would survive the fuss Kiyomi would get into over his departure.

"This isn't fair!"

"I know."

"Not fair."

I know."

"It's _not."_

"…_I know."_

_**Life at seven sucked.**_

**AN: There's gonna be a time skip because i want plot and it's been so long that I have no idea where i was really going with this so i'm just going to make it up as i go along. It's mainly for my own fun and enjoyment because i haven't been in a good place and my therapist says it's a good idea to focus on happy things.**

**Sorry the chapter was so short. the next one will be longer once i figure out what the heck i'm doing.**

**Have a good day/night/incredibly early morning (i know for a fact i'm not the only one up at 3am rotting my brain away when i should be studying. yay procrastination)!**


End file.
